CATS HAVE LIMITED OBJECT PERMANENCE AND DON’T ALWAYS UNDERSTAND THAT TWO DIFFERENT DOORS CAN LEAD TO THE SAME ROOM
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- what she says: i'm fine
- what she means: The first thing you need to understand is that the cats have won. You’re not quite sure how it happened — the joke was always that the cockroaches would win, right? — but it turns out that cats very much enjoy killing cockroaches, and so here we are.
- Your job is to feed the cats and, though you’d never say it aloud even in whispers, present offerings to the cats. They’re gifts, really; or at least you think that’s what they’re called. All the post-apocalyptic movies and television shows you used to watch presented a future in which English would be the dominant language. That was one of many things they got wrong.
- And yet your life is not so much different, after all. You wake up in the morning, put out cat food, painstakingly arrange the cat toys, and wait. When the cats come, they leave you a pile of dead things in exchange, as cats do. You, in turn, walk your basket of stinking fish to the market to buy more cat food and a cardboard box shaped like a car. No one drives cars anymore. You do not ask what happens to the fish you exchange for these cat toys, just like you do not ask what meat is in the thin soup they hand you, in its little cardboard bowl.
- That is what you eat. The cats eat food you recognize, except now someone has taped a piece of red cardboard with a cat pawprint to the can, as if to indicate that all food is for the cats now. You put out fresh sashimi, sometimes, arranged as best as you know how. The cats come, play, leave their dead fish. Another day ends.
- The cats have names, but you make up your own names because you feel too old to learn a new language. You whisper to your friends and you learn that they have also named the cats, but differently, and you wonder if that pleases the cats, to know that they cannot be talked about in absentia. There is one black cat with white ears and white feet whom nearly everyone calls “Socks,” except for the one person who stubbornly refers to the cat as “Eight-Ball.”
- You do not put out billiard balls for the cats, although you put out every other kind of ball; yarn, ping pong, baseball, huge rubber balls in all colors. One day you see a cat wander through your yard wearing a baseball cap. Another day you see what appears to be a cat in a wig and cocktail dress. You wonder whether the cats are evolving or you’re starting to hallucinate. You have a bottle of sake that you keep in the yard, because the cats will no longer allow you to sleep in the house. The cats do not drink the sake. They do not need it; they have everything else.
- But on the days when your mind is clearheaded you think about how it is still not that different; how you used to get up and go to a job and spend your money on things that served the job — the smartphone, the clothes, the takeout — and now you get up and serve the cats and spend what they give you on more goods to serve the cats.
- The difference is that you felt a little like the smartphone and the clothes and the takeout benefited you as well. You knew you wouldn’t wear those shoes if you didn’t have that job, but you also liked the way they looked on you, so it seemed a bit more fair. But you are too big to sleep on the cushions or climb into the cardboard car, and the only thing that benefits you now is that you get to look at cats. It is always relaxing to look at cats. Unless that’s coming from the sake, or the rotted fish soup, or the antihistamines.
- There are rumors that if the cats approve of your performance they will bring you actual treasures, although when the first treasure comes it is a shell earring, and you put it on and wonder whether this is a true gift or a symbol of your obedience. You would love to accumulate enough treasures to leave the cats behind, although you do not know where you would go or how you would get there.
- One person decided to strike out alone, stacking cans of food inside the cardboard car and tying the package closed with yarn. The cats brought his body back, as cats do.
YUP, THAT’S WHY. CATS ARE BIG DUMMIES AND OFTEN SEE NO REASON WHY TWO DIFFERENT DOORS SHOULD LEAD TO THE SAME PLACE, SO THEY FIGURE THEY’LL CHECK IF IT’S ALSO RAINING IN THE OTHER OUTSIDE BEHIND THE OTHER DOOR.
WHEN THE PROPRIETOR OF THIS BLOG WAS A CHILD, THE KITCHEN LED INTO THE DINING ROOM, WHICH LED INTO THE LIVING ROOM, WHICH LEAD INTO THE FRONT HALLWAY, WHICH LED BACK INTO THE KITCHEN, SO WHEN THE CATS WERE HUNGRY, THEY WOULD CHECK THEIR BOWLS, SEE THAT THEY WERE EMPTY, AND WALK ALL THE WAY AROUND THE HOUSE TO SEE IF THE OTHER BOWLS IN THE OTHER KITCHEN WERE ALSO EMPTY.
why is everyone screaming
FOR AN ANSWER TO YOUR QUESTION, I ADVISE YOU TO LOOK AT THE TITLE OF THIS BLOG.
Every time I see people like “cats are evil and will never love you” I’m like bro cats are adorable losers, they rub against you and head butt into your hand when you pet them and they make a dumb vibrating noise when they’re happy and chase after moving lights and shoelaces and tuck their feet under their bodies to become a fucking cat loaf cats are great ok.
Trainability in cats is a funny thing.
My cats understand and will obey a number of verbal commands, one of which is “go away”. I don’t use it often, but if they’re bugging me and I’m trying to work or doing something that could be dangerous for cats, I can tell them to go away, and off they go - they’ll only keep pestering me if there’s a serious problem they need me to look at.
That said, their idea of a serious problem that requires my attention is somewhat eccentric. Previous instances have included:
- There was an unfamiliar car parked across the street
- Their water bowl was four inches to the left of its usual position
-
One of them had puked on the stairs and they didn’t want to walk past it
- It was raining
- One of them saw a weird bug
These are all very important things that required your attention. They’re doing a good job.
i hate when people are like “only dogs can give u love and affection cats are cold and elusive” like okay dog person if you had ever actually owned a cat you would know they are the neediest fucking creatures on the planet
cats will literally sit on your head until you pay attention to them
That proves the point, they want attention, they want you to pay attention to them not them!
cats show affection and love in their own way
for example
- actually holding eye contact with you and blinking slowly is how cats ‘kiss’
- cats choose to sleep or sit next to you even if you’re busy when they have a million other places to be because they like your company
- they consider positive attention love
- when they ‘headbutt’ you it’s called ‘bunting’ and it’s how they show affection
- when they knead you it’s because they feel comforted
- they think of you petting them as grooming- it makes them feel good so they will ask for you to pet them (or demand) especially if they’re feeling sad
- cats like to step on you because they mark you with their scent from their little feet telling other cats BACK THE FUCK OFF THIS HUMAN IS MINE
- cats will lick you or groom you because they want you to be clean and happy
- they bring you dead things because they don’t want you to starve
cats think of humans as parents whereas dogs think of humans as the alpha dog
;w;
I have been saying this FOR ACTUAL YEARS. THANK YOU.
Why do dog people insist on being weirdly moralising about cats like
I half expect them to start claiming dogs would give to charity while cats wouldn’t or some shit
i just heard my mom say “there’s no reason to act like a dick” and there’s no one else downstairs so i know she’s talking to one of our cats
A lot of pets will ignore you, but only a cat will follow you from room to room and check your lines of vision to make absolutely certain that you can see them ignoring you.
fun fact: cats actually have very good peripheral vision and do a lot of checking things out with it. full-frontal staring into your face is, for them, an aggressive statement. hence they do that a lot when they’re trying to make you do stuff, like feed them or play with them.
if a cat sits with you but at an angle and won’t meet your gaze, they’re not ignoring you at all! they’re hanging out. they’re having chill bro time.
if you want to smile at your cat, look at them till they see you, then give a slow blink. this is a cat smile. if a cat only glances at you to give you a blink and then looks away, that is a warm greeting, like, ‘hey there, buddy’. be polite right back at them and don’t seek out or hold sustained eye-contact in friendly, casual situations.
i trust all the cats on earth with my life. even the big ones that could easily kill me. i trust them all
- me: hey do you wanna see pictures of my cats
- person: sure
- me: *pulls up screenshots from neko atsume*
things i love about cats
- when they run across the house at full speed for no reason
- when they sneak up on u and start sniffing u and their whiskers tickle u
- when u close the door to keep them out of ur room and they stick their paws under the door
- the little butt wiggle before they pounce on something
- their tiny sneezes
- when u put a bag or a towel on their head and they start walking backwards
- the thing they do with their ears when they hear a loud noise